Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
