I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
