I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
