I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
