we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize