i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
