I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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