my phone needs a breathalizer
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
