You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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