i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
