i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
