My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
