Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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