you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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