but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
