You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
