Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
