i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
