So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
