I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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