You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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