The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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