cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
