Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
