he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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