There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
