There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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