Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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