Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
