Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize