Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Are my feet made of real feet?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
