I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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