just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
