I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
