Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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