she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Pooping to opera.
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