haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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