Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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