she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
