separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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