my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
