New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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