Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
