i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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