When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize