i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
