he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
