I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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