Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
