My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
