she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
