Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Randomize
