The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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