he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
