You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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