so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize