just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
