Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
