i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
