This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
