Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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