I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
