My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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