So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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