he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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