Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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