We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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