1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
