So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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