Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
