I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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