i'm signing you up for texting rehab
from now on my penis is your penis
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
