This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
