i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
