My first STD was from a foam party
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
